Sibling's Lament

“Oh, thank you, thank you. Thank you! You truly have no idea how much this means to me. Trust me, I didn’t want to resort to this either. And I asked everyone I could. Not that I didn’t want to ask you. I just didn’t want to bother you. And I… I just have no other option right now. But that doesn’t mean I am not trying to figure something out. A month at most. I promise. Again, thank you!”

“Ky.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re rambling again.”

“I know, but I’m just so…”

“Ky.”

“…Yeah?”

“You’re my baby sister. The least I can do for you is house you for a month or two while you try to get your life back together.”

“Please don’t call me your ‘baby sister’; I am almost forty.”

“And? Until I die, you will always have twelve less years of experience than me. Which… Kind of makes you a baby, in comparison, of course.”

Kylee stared at her older sister; coarse-graying hair with hard, determined hazel eyes, staring at her over a mug of black espresso, which even the idea of made Kylee’s stomach turn. The noise of the coffee shop was nothing more than an occasional faint clanging. At forty after ten, there was hardly anyone else in the shop, not that that would make much of a difference. Anything compared to listening to a print press run for 10 hours, four days a week for the last fifteen years, was a dull whisper unless she focused on it. Like Kearrah sitting in front of her, her mouth moved again; Kylee tuned in.

“Plus, you think mother would ever let me live down me letting you live on the streets?”

“I think mother would forgive you for murdering the Sun.” Kylee’s tongue blanched as her sister sipped the pitch-colored liquid. She took a drink of her herbal tea to cleanse the thought out of her mouth. The tang of the orange mint centered her again.

Kearrah returned a simple, placating smile. She was saying, ‘I’m avoiding this. I won’t be dragged to your level. Nice try, baby sister.’ Kylee cupped her face in her hands and let out a sigh that she wished would never end. That all the air in her lungs would just continue to vent out and she would pass into Oblivion with the wind. “You’re right. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. It just… It all comes in waves, and after they crash down, I’m trying to find my way back up to the surface…” She sighed again. “I just lash out at anything and everything. In hopes it’ll get me there faster.”

“Did you ever even get a reason?”

“No. Not really. I mean, you’d expect a reason, right? It’s completely reasonable to expect one. Like you have to give a two week notice and reason for quitting your job. It shouldn’t be hard to give a completely well-explained, thought-out explanation – preferably with preloaded counterarguments to the hundreds of thousands of questions I have.”

“Ky.”

She took a long breath and dropped her hands to the table, expecting a loud clack but there was nothing. She looked down at her left hand, where there was still a significant tan line from two bands and a two-carat stone. “All he said was, ‘I want to see other people’ before laying the paperwork in front of me. And from there, it was nothing but ‘talk to my lawyer’ or voicemails. I fought to understand for seven months, Kearrah. Seven long, depressing months. Until, finally, I just signed them. I had no other choice. I couldn’t keep living like that.”

“And that’s when you lost the house?”

“No. No, that came later. After Lena got sick. I’ve been helping with her medical bills; that’s why I can only offer you so little for ‘rent.’” Kearrah waved off the notion, not even toying with the thought. She would give her the money anyway, or else she wouldn’t hear the end of it when she moved out. She was sure of that. “But, yeah. From there, I just couldn’t afford it all by myself anymore. I tried; I really did. Picking up a second job and cutting back on everything. I haven’t showered with the lights on in two months.” She chuckled, but it was no joke. “But I just couldn’t get it to work.”

Kearrah shook her head, “It’s lucky we live in the Neutral section. Sure, there are many reasons to hate it here, but at least you don’t have to deal with those Harris’ Accountants.’ It’s better to just get foreclosed on.”

‘Just get,’ Kylee physically bit the right side of her tongue to remind herself how much her sister was helping her. And, as usual, that she was right. “Yeah, I can count myself lucky there, for sure.”

“How is Lena doing?”

“I would rather not talk about it. Not right now, at least… It’s all just a bit too much.”

Her sister nodded with a sympathetic smile. “Can I ask about Ervin?”

Kylee closed her eyes, but it didn’t help her hide from the raging tidal waves in her mind. “Ervin is good. Just got his second Masters. He is somewhere abroad.” She let out a breath. “Haven’t heard from him since all this started.”

“So he doesn’t even know?” She could see the wide-eyed, horrified stare that was a mirror image of their mother without even opening her eyes.

“I can’t know for sure. I sent him a letter… Haven’t heard back.” She snapped her eyes open and pulled on a smile. “Are you hungry? They have some great sandwiches here. You can get them on a bagel, toasted. I know how much you like that. I’ll go order for us. I’ll be right back.”

*****

“Ky?”

“Yeah?”

“I got to go to work. They called me in early. Would you mind taking care of Baxter for me?”

Kylee lifted the weight of the world with her eyelids and then with her head and regretted it immediately as the freezing air rushed down her back as it was peeled up from the bed. “Mm.” She fought to open her eyes again.

“Can I get more than just a grunt? Do you remember how to take care of him?”

“Mhm.” She rubbed her eyes in hopes that it would help remove some of the sleep. What time was it, anyway?

“Ky, do you…”

“Two scoops of the bits, two handfuls of grass, change water – including bottle- and change the flooring. It’s been over a month, I know how to take care of the damn rabbit.”

Her sister stood at the end of her bed, illuminated from behind by the hallway light coming through the open door, hair in a tight bun and perfectly ironed scrubs. With only the faintest hint of annoyance, she said, “Okay. It’s just you forgot his hay last time. And I’m not asking you to dump his dirty flooring or anything. Just switch the flooring out. And his backup water bottle is already washed. Just fill it and change them out. Please.”

“You’ve done all the hard work’, I know.” She scooted to the edge of the bed, keeping as much of the warm blankets around her as possible.

“Look, if you’re naked, it’s fine. We shared the same bed and bathroom for fifteen years, and now I’m a doctor. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about around me.”

“I’m not embarrassed. It’s just freaking freezing in this house!” Kylee groaned to herself. “I’m sorry. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It’s just that you’ve always liked it cooler than me.” She moved out of bed, trying to ignore the fact that it was still two hours until her alarm was supposed to go off, and slid into her slippers and robe. “I’ll take care of Baxter. Don’t worry. And I hope no one dies on your shift.”

Kearrah gave her a smile, “Thanks. Me too. And Ky?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. I hope you get some good news today.”

“Thanks. Me too.”

An hour after Kearrah had left the house, Kylee came swaying down the steps, putting way more force into each step than needed. Her morning routine had done nothing to help wake her up, seeing as how it was done before she was even supposed to be out of bed. But she continued through the motions anyway. As tired as she was, she wasn’t one to be able to just roll over and get back to sleep. Especially not nowadays, when, from the moment the first neuron fired awake in her brain, all the stress and worry came flooding back, and, despite her best efforts – she never learned to swim.

She munched through some tasteless grains Kearrah swore would help her ‘mind would be healthier because her body would be healthier’ and her herbal tea; cinnamon and cherry with just a pinch of sugar. Before moving on to getting her lunch ready. Maybe if she got in early, Mr. Racks would let her get some overtime. Two hours wasn’t much, but any little bit would help. After placing her packed lunch by the door, she took her wet hair down from the towel turban and gave it a quick blow dry.

When she clicked off the pleasant, warm air of the dryer, she booked it to the kitchen to her ringing phone. She didn’t know how long it had been ringing, but only one person would be calling her this early. She scrambled to nab up her cell phone. She clicked the answer button but smacked it out of her reach. Barely touching the corner, she couldn’t stop as it slid off the counter. “Hang on! Hang on!” She yelled as she rounded the bar-like counter and scooped up the phone. The screen was busted, flickering green and black in separate jagged shards that seemed like they’d just fall out but instead stayed intact. “Hello! Hello!”

“Gods! Mom, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just dropped my phone, think it’s broken. It’s fine. What did you find out?”

“Well, they did all their testing and said it’s been reduced by over seventy-five percent!” There was a small squeak of excitement in her voice. “My doctor says one or two more rounds, a max of three, and it’ll be gone!”

“Likelihood of relapse? Kearrah is always on that we need to be aware of a relapse, says that’s where the truth lies in the survival statistics.”

“Honestly, mom, I don’t care right now. I just want to get passed this, so then I can work on getting passed all of this. If it comes back after that, I can deal with it then.”

It was the first ray of sun she had seen in the destruction of the tsunami that was her life, and it twisted at her stomach. She smiled and squeezed out a tear that rolled down one cheek. “You can’t know how happy I am for you. For us. Have you told your father…” and with that, the tears dried up, and the sun only let her see how much damage there was for her to clean up. “I’m sorry, still just reflex.”

“I understand. Are you actually interested?”

She took a breath, her finger tracing a pattern in the granite counter. The AC kicked on, sending a chill down her back. “I can’t say I’m not. But…”

“Mom, I am not talking to dad anymore. Not until he gives us all a good reason for this… stunt he is pulling. And I just… I’m so angry with him!”

Kylee’s heart began to race. “I am angry too. But there is just… I don’t know what to do.” There was a quiet dull tone that came over her speaker. “Oh, hang on, I have another call.” She moved to look at her phone. “Oh, right…” The screen flashed with a strobe of white and black lines.

“Who is it?”

“No idea. The screen is broken. But this early, probably just spam.”

“You sure? Aren’t you waiting to hear back from that realtor?”

“Yes, but they’re not even open yet, and they have my schedule for when I’m available to call. It wouldn’t be him this early.”

“You’ll think you’ll get it? The apartment.”

“Oh yeah. He said I was a shoo-in in, and it’s so affordable. He said one other client was looking into it. But they always say that. Oh, it’ll be so nice to be out of here and in my own place again.”

“Mom, you know you don’t have to keep helping with my medical bills, right?”

“I know I don’t have to; I want to. And I can, so that’s all that matters to me.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now, I have to take care of this darn rabbit before heading to work. I love you.”

“I love you too. I’ll keep you updated.”

“Thank you. I’ll do the same.”

Throughout the working day, Kylee checked, double-checked, and rechecked her phone in hopes that if the phone’s ringer was busted too, she might be able to catch it flashing like it did when she was on the call with Lena. But she got nothing. At one point, the phone stopped flashing white altogether and stayed black. On a good note, to her surprise, Mr. Racks did allow her some overtime, two whole hours at that. Again, it wasn’t much, and luckily most of it wouldn’t be taken from her in taxes, like if she was living on the Harris side of town. Anything helps.

Kearrah was already home when she pulled into the driveway after her tiring day of work. The smell of food wafted straight to her brain as she opened the door, and it brought an easy smile to her face. “Mom would kill us if she knew that we weren’t slaving over the stove for each other every night.”

“Yeah, ‘Family means food.’ Isn’t that what she always said? Though her actions heavily implied it, she never specified that that meant home-cooked food.” They passed a tired smile to each other. “I’m just saying, we’re two well-aged, single, empty nested, business women. We shouldn’t be judged for supporting the economy by paying for some Chinese take-out… Every night.” They laughed.

“Thanks. I’ll pick up something tomorrow.”

They helped each other clean up from dinner; the best thing about take-out was no dishes for either of them. “Oh, by the way. I got a few messages for you from a…” She checked the notepad by the landline. “Mr. Carol D. Sota? Said he’d ‘been trying to reach you all day.’ To ‘call him immediately.’ You think you got the apartment?”

“I sure hope so!” She looked at the clock; it was well after he’d left the office for the night. “Won’t hurt to try.” She said with a shrug, picking up the landline and punching in the number her sister had written on the notepad nearby. The phone rang once, twice, three times.

Just as the fourth ring started to end and Kylee was moving to hang up the phone, there was a click and a scrambling sound before someone finally said, “Sota and Clack office, Mr. Sota speaking; how can I help?”

“Oh, Carol, thank goodness you answered. Just to start, I apologize. I broke my phone this morning because of that, I couldn’t see my screen, and since I couldn’t see my screen, I couldn’t see the battery. And I must not have charged it last night, so it must have died, and that’s why you couldn’t get a hold of me.”

“Ms. Marsh? Kylee Marsh?”

“Yeah! I’m so sorry I didn’t get your calls. What did you need to tell me? I hope it’s what I think it is!”

There was a bit of a pause before he spoke up again. “No, Ms. Marsh, I am the one that must express my apologies.” Her throat caught as a sudden wave of vertigo washed over her. “I’m sorry to hear about your phone. But I made several attempts to reach out to you. But… We sold the apartment. We had to call the other clients when we couldn’t reach you, and they made a better offer. And, in fact…” He sounded truly regretful, nervous, even… a little scared for some reason. “We just got a notification from the bank.” His reluctance was brief, but Kylee still noticed it. “Due to some discrepancies, they denied your loan. So, until you get approval from them again, I can’t help you find a new home. Again. I’m truly sorry. Have a good one.”

The phone clicked off, but Kylee couldn’t move. She stared at the gray wall of the kitchen until the automated voice on the phone spoke up.

“What’s wrong?” Kearrah asked as Kylee clicked the landline into its base.

“Looks like you’ll have to deal with me a bit longer. They retracted my loan.”

“Damn him.”

Kylee’s eyes snapped to her sister. “Who? What happened? Do you know why I can’t get my own place?”

“The Council had up brought a new… Topic today. I didn’t think there’d be any backlash. We hadn’t even started voting yet! Harris must be blackmailing someone at the bank to get to you to get to me because I expressed, mildly, for being for it… I’m sorry. We’ll get you a place. You are welcome to stay for as long as it takes.”

They sat back down at the table. Kylee couldn’t even taste her ginger and peach tea. It had been so close…

*****

“I can’t believe you! This is it!”

“Yeah, it is! Because I am getting punished for your ‘excellence.’ Again! As always!”

“Oh, here we go again. You going to accuse me of being ‘mom’s favorite’ just like when we were kids?”

“There is no accusation. Its fact. You are a doctor and took over grandma’s seat of the CC. I am an accident who works at a magazine printing house.”

“Well, I’m sorry for having ambition.”

“Ambition has nothing to do with it! You’re prettier, smarter, and mom had so many more things laid out and ready for you. I was just an accident that was given your scraps! The only thing that I had over you was a family. And that was only because you don’t like men or whatever. But now I don’t even have that.”

“Well, neither do I!”

“I didn’t kill your stupid rabbit.”

“He was perfectly healthy, and then you ‘took care of him’ for almost five months, and now he is dead. Neglect is still a form of murder.”

“I took care of him every time and exactly how you asked. How about finally admitting for once that maybe you messed up!”

“Oh, you’re right! Somehow, I not only messed up the routine I’ve been doing for seven years but messed it up so badly I killed Baxter?”

“Maybe it just died of old age. I don’t know or care! All I know is that I did exactly what you asked, and I D I D not Kill him. How could I? All you trust me to do is give him food and water. And it’s not like he could starve in, at max, twelve hours.”

“I don’t know! But if it was possible, you could do it.”

“There we go, ladies and gentlemen! My sister is finally showing her true self. Tell me, were you only keeping up face in case mom was watching us from the afterlife?”

“No. For once, I was hoping you’d gained some maturity, but apparently, even losing your family isn’t enough to get you to grow up.”

Kylee had been pushed into a bottomless pit and was free-falling, hoping to hit anything to make her stop. She blinked, wordless – thoughtless, at her sister. She took a sharp breath in and out, then again, but still, her mind was blank. She couldn’t even process the regret slowly seeping into Kearrah’s face. All she could manage was to turn on her heel, grab her purse, and walk out the door to her car. She heard words of protest coming from behind her, but she paid them no mind.

She pulled into the first place that had neon lights and advertised alcohol. She entered without looking at anyone and plopped onto a stool at the bar, feeling mean and nasty – even though she was in a long summer dress. “I’ll get her whatever she orders.” A large man with a missing chunk of his left ear said.

“Don’t bother. I’m not looking.” He was grizzled, closer to Kearrah’s age than hers, and handsome, for sure, with salted scruff. But not her type at all, even if she was interested.

“That’s fine by me.” He held up a hand, and the dim lighting flickered off a gold band on his finger. “He’s been gone for two years, but I’m still not looking either.” He eyed her fading tan line. “Gone or left?”

“Left.”

“Mm. Almost worse. Want to talk about it?”

For some reason, looking into his weathered hazel eyes, she did. And she didn’t spare a detail. She talked and slipped some black tea with milk – the only thing the bar had she was willing to drink. Time passed; she hadn’t known what time it was when she entered, but well into their conversation, she saw an hour pass. And when she finally finished, ending with why she had come here, he only nodded with a crumpled brow and a small frown. He let her words disappear into the air before saying. “I think you should come with me. There’s something you need to see. It ain’t the best, college level. I think the theme will still be good for you.”

And again, something compelled her to agree and follow. He took her to a small play house with a sign, dedicating the night’s performance to some teacher that had passed. She knew the play, everyone did; two lovers torn by an arbitrary line in the sand but so willing to be together that not even death would stop them. And as it started, she wondered if she’d been tricked and this guy was pursuing her after all. But then she truly watched it with her frame of mind and saw it a new. The hidden themes, the minor characters, ignoring the passion of youth, and she saw the meaning of family, the willingness the sacrifice to save each other, and the want to be with someone despite all their failings and wanting to help them through it all. She wept, and a huge hand comforted her, but it wasn’t what or who she wanted.

As the curtain closed, she thanked the man and told him that his nephew had done wonderfully, and then she sped back home, back to her sister, back to someone who had done everything she could to help her. Had put up with all her crap and hateful comments, and not just over the past few months. For years.

She pulled into the driveway with a skid and ran to the door. The living room light was on, which meant Kearrah was still awake. Good – this apology couldn’t wait till morning. She put her key in the door to unlock it, and her heart dropped.

At the slightest touch, the door creaked open. “Kearrah…” This is not right. This is not Right. “Kearrah!” Her body took over, and she sprinted into the house. “Kearrah!!” The living room was a mess, a clear line of struggle. Kylee followed it into the kitchen. Turned the corner she knew, she knew. Seeing her sister’s bare foot peeking out from behind the bar counter was enough. Kylee didn’t scream, she didn’t run to her, she couldn’t even bring herself to peak around over the counter. Shock, Kearrah always talked about how many people she saw in Shock in the ER. Kylee turned and mechanically dialed the numbers.

She couldn’t have said how long she had just stared at that foot. She couldn’t have said when the house was bathed in flashing lights or when the men came in, wrapping her in a blanket far too coarse for her liking. And she never even saw when they pulled the large black bag out of the house.

It wasn’t until months later, after she put her sister in the ground, and the grieving was beginning to subside, and life was getting back to normal when Kylee got the news. That even in death, her sister was trying her best to take care of her, leaving her the house and a life insurance claim that was more than Kylee would ever be able to make in her life. She smiled and cried and mourned from the depths of her soul as Lena held her.

Even on a life raft, she was still in the middle of the ocean. And now an anchor she didn’t even realize she had was lost forever.